Confessions of a Death Eater to be
by kitty.has.a.pen
Summary: I'm not in love with my DADA teacher. Really. I'm not. It's impossible. He's a teacher. I'm a student. He's one of Dumbledore's colleagues and I'm a soon-to-be Death Eater. So yeah, it's impossible... So why the hell am I kissing him?
1. Chapter 1

This is my last year in Hogwarts. I can't believe it. Time passes so fast. It only seems like yesterday that I walked into the Great Hall and got sorted into Slytherin.

Yes, I am a pureblood. Bla bla bla...

I'm probably going to be a Death Eater and kill hundreds of wizards and muggles alike. I'm expecting it to happen. Everyone in my family is a Death Eater. So, really, what other choice do I have? All I can do is suck it in and deal with it.

My name is Alex Williams by the way. And yes, Alex is a male name, I know that. My parents had been hoping for a son and that ended up with only picking out possible male names. So when they got me they just gave me the name of the son they oh so wanted. Nice of them isn't it?

I'm not really a complete and total bitch like my other classmates (depends on the situation). I'm probably a bloody saint compared to them. Of course, I wouldn't really know since I'm not friends with them. Yes, feel bad for me won't you? I'm not a complete loner though. I have my ever reliable friend Alice to help me out with my loneliness. She's in Ravenclaw. So my ever low status in my own house hasn't hit rock bottom yet.

I frowned then. Where the hell was that girl?

"Alex!!"

I looked towards the door, counting down the seconds.

5…

4…

3…

2…

1..

The door slammed open, revealing my best friend, Alice.

Yes. We both have names that started with the letter 'A'. Except hers isn't a guy's name…

Oops. Did that sound bitter? Oh. Okay then.

I am bitter. I _deserve _to be bitter.

Ahem…

Anyway! Back to the point! Alice is the first person I met in Hogwarts. Who knew it would create a long and lasting friendship that would probably be broken the moment I step out of Hogwarts on our last day?

She's a blonde. Sharp as a whip! Alice is not an airhead, unlike other blondes. Not that I'm biased or anything. It's true. Some blondes are not as smart as others.

"Alex! Alex!" she was waving her hand in front of my face.

"What?" I asked, curious at her overexcited behaviour. She never acted like this. Ever. Unless it was some super important—

"We have a new DADA teacher!"

Oh yeah. That Lockhart guy got fired, something about a spell backfiring because of a malfunctioning wand. I snorted. Who was stupid enough to use a broken wand? Really.

Her blue eyes were twinkling at me, expectant.

"Oh. Who is it then?" I asked her, keeping the disinterest out of my voice. All DADA teachers so far have been complete weirdos. I haven't seen a competent one in all my years in that school.

"Some guy named: Remus J. Lupin." She answered, smiling brightly as if she knew something I didn't, which was a common occurrence.

"What's the 'J.' stand for?"

"Don't know. But I heard he's on the train!"

This made me raise my eyebrow. You know how intimidating that is when someone does that to you? Well, mine isn't intimidating at all. Such a horrible quality seeing as that I'm supposed to be a Death Eater someday. What if I have to interrogate someone and they laugh at my raised eyebrow instead of be afraid? That would really suck…

"…go see him, don't you think? See what kind of teacher he is." Alice babbled on excitedly, unaware of my trying to be intimidating face.

"Go see him…" I repeated dully, crossing my arms. "We'll see him when we get there. No point doing in now."

"Alex!!" she was pulling me up now, which wasn't really hard since she's taller than me.

Actually, she's everything I'm not.

She's blonde, blue-eyed, and tall, almost like a model.

And I have black hair, curled, like that Goldilock's girl in that muggle fairytale, and silver eyes, not to mention I'm barely 5"3. And, of course, the guy name. But I have to say, silver eyes are definitely points for me.

Alice says I look like a doll.

I shiver. Creepy. Never liked dolls, just my luck I get compared to those.

"…heard that he was a student here once." I heard her go on, sitting on the seats in front of me.

I blinked, realizing that I was lost in my thoughts once again. Have I said that I have a really short attention span? Because I do. And believe me when I say I've gotten a lot of detentions because of that tiny little detail that makes up Alex Williams.

Amazingly enough though, I can pay attention during Potions, not because Prof. Snape was scary, no, it's because actually like that class, bonus for me since he's our head of house.

Aww…

To think that after this year I'll be saying goodbye to my carefree life.

I'm gonna miss this place.

I'm even gonna miss Prof. Snape!

Oops, drifted off again. Damn. I really should stop doing that…

"Aren't you going to change into your robes yet?" she asked, breaking off from her new teacher tirade. It was only then I noticed she was already wearing hers.

I stood up then, "I'm going now. Be back in a few."

I left her there, making my way towards the dressing room.

I barely noticed the chill that suddenly came over me, or the train slowly moving to a stop, I was lost in my own thoughts.

I was so going to regret that later.

XXXXXXXXXX

Hi guys, hope you liked this first chapter of confessions. Hahaha! It's been bothering me for a while now, just like all those other fanfics I'm trying to continue. Oh well. REVIEW!


	2. Chapter 2

Stupid bloody Dementors! No manners whatsoever! Entering when a girl is dressing!

Okay, so they won't really care about that. But Quirrel/Lockhart sure as hell didn't say they could open locked doors with a wave of their mutilated hands!

I opened my eyes, blinking against the darkness enveloping the small dressing room. The huge black floaty thing was gone, thank Merlin. I pulled myself up from the floor. Apparently I passed out after it went in. The gray sweater I was wearing was on the floor beside me. Meaning I have nothing on top except my simple black bra. I looked down, frowning. Alice had a bigger chest than I have (not that I was looking or anything…).

Really, I should be thankful it didn't kiss me AKA suck the soul out of me instead of focusing on my rather small bust, right?

But I'm not really a person to focus on the silver lining crap.

A DEMENTOR just saw me half-naked!!

Bloody hell…

Wait till Alice hears about this. This just goes to show you how unlucky I am.

The door in front of me slammed open, I didn't even notice the white light shooting out of the wand of—

I looked up, my wide eyes staring into amber ones.

_Fucking hell…_

A middle-aged man has seen me half-naked.

Correction, he's still looking at me while I'm half-naked.

What's a proper girl to do?

Answer: Scream your bloody head off.

XXXXXXXXXX

Think everything went back to normal?

Then you've been severely mislead.

Because, no, everything did not go back to normal.

Pssh. As if a Dementor on the train is considered normal.

Actually, it got worse, seeing as that the middle-aged man I was talking about earlier wasn't a normal middle-aged man at all.

He appears to be our new DADA teacher.

Yes. He's Professor R. J. Lupin. Whose 'J.' I don't know what stands for.

A teacher saw me, in my partially undressed state.

Can someone just kill me now?

Just a simple 'Avada Kedavra' will do the trick.

Just a flash of green light, then I'll be dead. Nice isn't it?

Just those simple words and whoosh! Your dead before you know it! It's a better way to die than having to be tortured, right? Those muggles should be glad—

Okay. I'm going severely out of topic.

A TEACHER SAW ME HALF-NAKED!!

Ahh!!

What'll happen to my social life now?!

He's a bloody Gryffindor! And you never stop being a Gryffindor or wherever house you came from. Ever.

Most importantly, he saw my small bust!

Bloody hell.

I think I prefer getting my soul sucked out in comparison to this.

"…very very sorry." The teacher apologized, his back to me.

I blinked.

He was still here?

My mouth formed a small 'o', or was it a big 'o'? I don't really know. I don't practice my facial expressions in the mirror like some other people.

What to do?

Forgive and forget is my best option. Oh hell. I'm making deals with Gryffindors now? Am I playing 'how low can you go'?

"Err…" I paused, not really knowing what to say.

I hastily grabbed the black robe and put it on, seeing as that it was unfair that I was undressed and he wasn't—

Eew!!

The implications of that statement just creeps me out.

Erase. Erase. I did not say that line. It was just my imagination.

"_Keep telling yourself that, luv." _My conscience pokes at me.

I can practically see the smile there.

Yes. I'm a soon-to-be Death Eater with a conscience. I know. It's weird. Unfortunately, it's not like I can pull it out of… wherever it is and throw it out the window.

So I'll have to deal with it.

Silence.

Ooh! I was supposed to say something, right?

Damn attention span, it's going to be the death of me. What if I'm in the middle of a battle and my mind suddenly focuses on the assignment in Transfiguration or something?!

I really should work on that.

Okay. Note to self, going to start paying more attention. Really. I'm going to be serious about this one.

I turned my grey eyes towards the still quiet professor.

"Its fine, sir." I found myself saying. "Forget about it."

Seriously, do forget about it. Please?

I can't live in this school and focus in your class if this moment is going to hang over my head like those dark clouds in cartoons.

Yes. I watch cartoons. Got a problem with that?

The teacher seemed surprised at my easygoing reply.

Hell. Does he think I'm a slut now?

I wrinkled my nose.

Not that I care.

I don't care. I really don't.

"Alright then." He answered slowly, not even turning to look at me.

I had the strangest feeling that he was either smiling or blushing.

I frowned, walking towards the door which he was still blocking.

"You're in my way." I told him not to kindly, my eyes narrowing.

Something flashed in his amber eyes, I didn't know if it was irritation or bemusement. I prefer the former. It'll help me toughen up my image in Slytherin, which is in desperate need of toughening up.

I winced.

Yeah, make a DADA teacher mad at you. Am I smart or what? It's not like they _can't_ curse me into oblivion. Note the sarcasm, people.

I frowned at the teacher.

If there would be a fight between me and this guy, who would win?

"_Pssh! As if that's even a question!" _my conscience nagged.

Yeah, she's a nagger.

When you have a conscience, why get married?

Anyway,_ t_he amber eyed—

Err…

The _teacher _stepped aside, gesturing a hand for me to be on my way.

Which I am!

I huffed (not very mature, I know) and walked off.

It was a rather dramatic exit if I say so myself.

Now, where the bloody hell is Alice?

XXXXXXXXXX

"Wow…" Alice murmured, leaning back against the red couch of the train.

Have you noticed how Gryffindor themed this train is? Heck, they should rename Hogwarts as 'Gryffindor' instead, they should paint the walls red and bloody gold and name this bloody red train 'The Gryffindor train'!!

I huffed.

I'm not annoyed.

Really. I'm not.

It's just a stupid train.

…Which I had to ride for seven years straight.

Bloody hell.

So maybe I am anno—

"…probably forgotten about it anyway. He's a teacher." Alice tried to comfort me.

I blinked. Wait. Comfort me?

Oh. Right. Dementor. Teacher. Me with half-nakedness. Us with the awkwardness.

_Riiiight._

I shrugged.

Shrugging should be a universal sign.

Everyone shrugs. Everyone.

I think I saw Professor Dumbledore shrug once, or maybe he shivered?

He has the worst luck in eating those every flavour beans.

Seriously.

"Alex! Alex!"

I shook my head. Really, it's a wonder I got to seventh year with that going off in my own world habit.

"Mmm?" I asked, not saying anything specific. There's a key for people to not figure out your not listening. You just say safe words like: "Mmm…" or "I see…" or "Mmhhmmm…"

And they won't notice a thing—

"You weren't listening to me were you?" she glared at me.

Alice is threatening when she glares, like she went from puppy to angry wolf.

When I'm mad, I go from bunny to… constipated bunny.

Yes, just another reason why I'm _so _qualified to be a Death Eater!

"I was listening!" I protested weakly, staring at her straight in the eye.

When you look at people in the eye it means you're telling the truth.

"No you weren't." she stated with all the confidence of an intelligent Ravenclaw.

Damn.

I laughed it off, "I was listening… a bit…"

"Oh yeah?" she raised an eyebrow at me in an intimidating way.

A Slytherin afraid of a Ravenclaw.

I'm so getting disowned by my house.

"Yes." I answered with a coolness I didn't actually have.

If coolness was sold in a bottle I'd be the first to buy.

"What was I talking about then?"

Err…

Damn it.

What was she talking about?

Okay. I'll go out on a limb here.

"Err… You were talking about Hogwarts of course."

She blinked, and then narrowed her eyes. "And?"

Oh! I got something right!

"And… about…"

Think! What would she talk about involving Hogwarts…?!

Then it hit me.

"You were talking about that murderer! The one those Dementors were looking for!" I said in conviction.

Please let me be right!

She slowly nodded her head before smiling. "Wow, so you were listening."

Score!

I smiled cockily, "Of course I was!"

What a liar I am.

Tsk tsk tsk…

But maybe that's my redeeming quality…

I leaned back against the seat, half-listening to what Alice went on about.

A little more then we'll be at Hogwarts…

I wonder if I'll see that teacher again soon…

I slapped myself on the forehead.

No. ERASE! I don't want to see that teacher! EVER!

XXXXXXXXXX


	3. Chapter 3

I was _not _thinking about that teacher. No, I wasn't. I was sitting in my chair, waiting for the train to stop, listening to my best friend talk about her summer.

Yes, that's right.

I let out a groan, my head thumping on the window as I not so gently leaned against it.

_Bloody hell!_

"Alex, what are you doing?" Alice frowned at me, probably wondering why I was acting like a complete distracted psychopath with amber eyes on the brain.

_Damn it! I AM __**NOT **__THINKING ABOUT PROFESSOR WHAT'S-HIS-FACE!_

'_It's Professor R. J. Lupin, dear. And he does really have nice eyes.' _My conscience oh so nicely put in, smiling at me as she did so.

Why the hell does my conscience look like that freaking nurse at Hogwarts?

"ALEX! Are you listening to me?" the blonde half-shouted at me, brows furrowing as with that annoyed glint in her blue eyes that was once my favorite color except now it's been replaced by the eyes of that _person_.

You know, I just realized, right at this moment, that during the time I've been friends with Alice that **that** was the sentence she repeated the most around me.

Huh. Pathetic isn't it?

I smile at her, "Of course I'm listening! I just wanted to… lean my head on the window."

Oh Merlin. That sounded completely stupid.

What if the Order of the Sparrow or whatever bird name they use captured me and interrogated me or something? Okay. So maybe they haven't re-formed it yet. But they may come back by the time I graduate so my reasons are legitimate!

Anyway, they'd be like: "What were you doing at the scene of the crime?" and I'd be like: "Uhh… Leaning against the wall..?"

Oh Merlin. I am so screwed.

Okay, don't panic. I'm not in the field yet. I have time to prepare and change my ways.

_Note to self: Don't get caught doing something bad which you would obviously be doing when you become a Death Eater._

I gave a small frown as I repeated it to myself. It seemed a bit too long.

… _P.S. Work on mental note taking skills_

There. I'll work on that as soon as we reach Hogwarts.

"We're here!" Alice grinned at me, and I could almost see her urge to clap her hands excitedly at the prospect of a new _learning filled_ year ahead.

I gave a strained smile back at her, "Whoopee."

_I repeat: I am so screwed._

XXXXXXXXXX

Hogwarts has a lot of yellow.

Yes, I've seen through my biased haze of "Hogwarts-is-for-Gryffindor-haven't-you-seen-the-fire-engine-red-train-?!"

And I want it back.

Yellow is too close to amber which is the color that I've suddenly become attracted to for some odd reason that I really don't care to know.

It would pass.

_Damn it._ _Why are the Hufflepuff so bloody addicted to yellow?!_

I should hate yellow. Yellow saw me half-naked. Yellow is a teach—

_Bloody hell! How did 'yellow' suddenly become a bloody code name?!_

"Alex, are you alright? You look like you're about to stab someone." Alice whispered to me in concern as we got off the train.

"Yellow." I growled out, feeling my fists clench as I saw another Hufflepuff student walk by.

_Why am I so irrationally attracted to that color all of a sudden?!_

"You want to stab someone because of the color yellow? Or do you know a person named 'Yellow'?" she asked me, confusion apparent on her beautiful features.

How does one answer a loaded question like that without revealing important information?

"OOH!"

My eye twitched. And I floundered in the urge to run far, far away.

She made the sound. My eye twitched. It was all a sign. It was a **warning** sign, especially for me.

"You like someone, don't you!!!" she exclaimed excitedly, practically beaming my eyes out with the brightness of her smile.

How a person could ever conclude that from the fact that I wanted to stab something and it involved the color yellow was beyond me, but somehow, Alice had done it.

And, for the first time, she was wrong. Because there was no way that I had a crush on **Yellow**.

_Bloody— Merlin—! Why was that capital 'y'?!_

This was too complicated for my first few minutes back at Hogwarts. This was living proof that school messes with our lives, that school complicates everything that seems so simple as opposed to making things easy and understandable!

"No, I don't." I answered quickly, wanting to flush out the probable plans she was concocting in that intelligent mind of hers to get me together with who she thinks I like but I really don't.

"Sure you don't." she smiled slyly, obviously not believing me.

I let out a sigh, feeling a migraine coming on.

This was **not** how I wanted to begin the year.

XXXXXXXXXX

The Great Hall is a place where you can eat and chat with your friends, a place of happiness and comfort AKA my own personal hell.

Why? It's simply because, one, I do not have friends from my own house (Alice sits at the Ravenclaw table) which means I have to suffer eating alone. And two, I had numerous food allergies, some of which I'm not aware of, which results in my having to walk around egg shells every time I eat, and to add to that, I'm probably allergic to egg shells as well. In conclusion, every meal for me is a test to see whether or not I survive.

_Anyway…_

I looked up at the front, trying to see past all the heads crowding my line of vision, before finally seeing the lot of toads that were singing some song that I probably have never have heard of until now.

A few minutes passed before the song ended, and yes, it wasn't because it felt like it was that long as opposed to it being **really **that long.

On a positive note, Dumbledore was making his speech.

This is the most I've interacted with the wizard, watching him make the opening speeches every year. Sad isn't it? Plus, some of my soon-to-be Death Eater friends just might off him someday. I'm going to miss that old coot.

"Welcome! Welcome to another year at Hogwarts! I have a few things to say, before we become befuddled by our excellent feast. I myself am particularly looking forward to the flaming kiwi cups, which, while somewhat treacherous for those of us with facial hair..."

I stared at him blankly, which I'm sure, all of us were really…

Professor McGonagall cleared her throat, throwing a sharp look at the Headmaster.

"Mm. Yes. First, I'm pleased to welcome Professor R. J. Lupin, who has kindly consented to fill the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts. Good luck to you, Professor." He continued, smiling at the said professor.

The applause was scattered, and somewhere in the Gryffindor table I saw the Harry Potter boy clapping loudly with his friends.

I didn't clap. None from my table did. And I survived the past years from laying low so I wasn't about to start doing otherwise now.

I wasn't looking at him either.

Nope. I wasn't. The effort though, of trying not to, surprisingly took a lot. It was if something was pulling my eyes to him.

Of course, that was impossible, or if I was being generous, **improbable**.

I frowned.

'_Just one little look won't hurt, will it?' _some daredevil part of my mind spoke, egging me on.

Right… One little look…

It won't hurt anyone, or me.

Right? Okay.

I gave in and looked…

_Bloody—_

…And I swiftly looked away.

There was an unnatural heat in my cheeks, and for some reason, I was holding my breath as my heart sped up.

What was happening?

_What's wrong with me? And…_

I risked another glance at the man, only to find that he was talking to the professor beside him.

I felt relieved.

Maybe I had imagined it. Maybe it was some trick of light or something…

Because, there was no reason on this Earth that he would be looking at me.

_Right? Right._

My eyes slid shut, and I let out the breath I had been holding.

_**No. Reason. At. All.**_

XXXXXXXXXX

I'm sure all of you are probably thinking along the same lines I am which is: "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!"

If you know the answer, then please, feel free to tell me. Haha! Review please!


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